Coping
with Your Parents' Divorce
Suddenly, you've moved away from everything and everyone
that are familiar and begin to make your way in the world as an independent
individual. However, you still rely on your parents and your home environment
as a place you can return to when things get tough. But what do you do
when your parents decide to divorce while you're in college?
In our family portrait,
we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to
change her last name
In our family portrait,
we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that . . .
-- Pink, "Family Portrait"
You are not alone. Thousands of college-aged
students are affected by their parents' divorce each year. Here are some
tips to help you cope with your parents' divorce:
Keep things in perspective. This
is not about you. It is about them. Remind yourself that you did
not cause your parents' marital problems or divorce and that it is normal
to have feelings of split loyalties to your parents. Your instincts will
be to give as much aid and support as you can. However, it is very important
that you take care of yourself and continue your own life during this
period.
Don't go through this alone. Sharing your
feelings and concerns with others will help you get through this turbulent
period. Talk to friends, family members and people who also have had
parents divorce. Contact your school counseling service or find a support
group. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, mess up your
concentration, and get in the way of your schoolwork, relationships and
overall health.
Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be
good to yourself. Invest time in your hobbies and interests. Take time
out to exercise, rest and relax. Keep to your normal routines. Try to
avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Find safe
ways to blow off steam. Do not use alcohol and drugs as a way to cope;
they only lead to more problems.
It's OK to have a lot of different feelings. People
whose parents are divorcing often feel of sad, angry and depressed, and
have a tough time concentrating. You also may feel anxious about the
future and feelings of responsibility. Reactions like these are normal
and healing takes time. If you need to cry, yell or feel sad, let it
out.
Don't let yourself get caught in the middle. There
may be pressure to choose sides, but try to be as loving as possible
to both parents. Your parents need to work out their own divorce and
financial arrangements without using you as a go-between. Stand up to
your parents if their decisions make you angry or uncomfortable. If you
think one of your parents may become violent, get out of the house and
talk about the situation with a trusted friend or family member.
Think positive. Easier said than done,
right? Things may not be the same as they were before, but finding new,
fun things to do and interacting with understanding and reasonable expectations,
will make this transition easier. Be flexible. Family traditions are
still important but some of them may need to be adjusted. Help create
new traditions and family activities. Spend positive times together in
the new family groupings.
Life will get back to normal, although "normal" may
be different from what you had originally hoped. For more information
visit the Mental Health America's Web site at www.mentalhealthamerica.net.
Other Resources:
The following are organizations and links that can provide
support and additional information:
·Mental Health America - http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net
· Children of Separation and Divorce Center Inc. http://www.divorceabc.com
· Children's Rights Council - http://www.gocrc.com/index.html
· Divorce Magazine - http://www.divorcemag.com/index.shtml
· American Divorce Network -
http://www.proactive-coach.com/divorce
· International Association for Marriage and Family Counselors - http://www.iamfc.org/
· American College Counseling Association- http://www.collegecounseling.org
· American College Health Association- http://www.acha.org
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